Wow. I've let over an entire month pass me by. I guess you could say I've been caught up in exploring this amazing country. Well that, and binge watching Netflix. Sorry not sorry. Its been quite the experience. I feel like I have grown significantly in some ways, fallen in others. I have made some big life decisions, then reconsidered them, then recommitted to them again. Ive had sleepless nights worrying about what im doing with my life and I've had nights where I have passed out without a second thought because of all the marvelous adventures I had that day. Ukraine has been one big rollercoaster of up and down, mostly up though. I will never regret coming here and falling in love with this place. I think being my age comes with its fair share of roller coaster however, no matter if your still living with mom and dad or in a drastically foreign country (however if your still with mom and dad at this point..... you need a kick in the butt ;) ).
That being said, I love Ukraine so very much. я люблю украина. What do I love so much about this place? I cant really put it into words, but I'll give it a go. The Ukrainian people are stoic and proud. They are unbelievably patriotic. They are a weather-worn people who have endured many hardships and tribulations, but who do not let these things penetrate past the threshold of their homes. Something interesting you may not know about countries that have endured the soviet era is that many homes have TWO front doors. There are multiple reasons for this, but the reason I like to think is so they can shed the troubles of the world at the first door, change, and proceed to the second. They, being the Ukrainian and Russian people, are perceived as being a cold, rude and stout people when in reality they are loving, fun and inquisitive.
I love Ukraine because everywhere you go you see and meet people who are PROUD to be Ukrainian. You see people who dont bother hiding who they are. You see a beautiful culture that has been smothered by years of trials finally bursting at the seams everywhere and its absolutely amazing. I will likely forever bleed yellow and blue for my Ukrainian people.
Now im going to get real, real quick. Then we will get to the adventures I've been having (actually I will do a whole seprate post on that). I just feel this needs to be shared. This has been a rough year. A really rough year. Its even been a rough few months. This is the year I lost a lot of confidence, I lost sight of who I was, who I wanted to be and even who was becoming. For most of this year I wore, or tried to wear a proud and happy face, not let the confusion, pain and insecurities of this year show. Thats not to say that there were not lots of happy moments, even days and weeks in there. But there were also a lot of moments of grey. Its come to my attention recently that though I have felt that I have been portraying the correct sense of content happiness on my face, the gray cloud that has been this year (and if we are being honest, probably the past few years) was definitely hanging over my personality and the way I treated others. I realized that something needed to change, and quick.
Honestly the biggest thing that has changed since my leaving my mission, which is when I feel like I started to decline personally, was the slow but sure decent of my participation in spirit strengthening activies. Church attendence became minimal, scripture reading nearly stopped and prayer was sparse and often less sincere. I could literally feel satin not tugging but rather full on heaving on the reigns, attempting to full on pull me down to his pathetic level.
Since coming to Ukraine a lot of things have become apparent but the biggest thing to me that I have recently realized is that fence sitting is no longer an option. During the teenage years its easy to to but as you grow into full on adulthood that fence shrinks until your left standing on your feet on one side or the other, or sitting on your butt in the dirt, waiting for someone else to come along and tell you what to do. Well, I think I've been sitting in the dirt for just some time but I feel like I have been pulled to my feet and I pray that I now have the strength to continue standing. In this day and age you MUST know where you stand and you must stand for what you know.
I have made the decision to stand for my beliefs, my faith and who I believe I have the potential to become, who im building faith in becoming, who I am making the decision to build myself into.
Now im not going to profess that I said a prayer, read my scriptures and
was magically cured of this ailment. No, definitely not. This is a
matter that will be an ongoing and likely uphill struggle, however it
will be one I am better equipped to handle now. I have been working on it, I feel as though I have already greatly improved, and I will of course continue doing so as well. One of my favorite scripture passages is this - Ephesians 6, 10-20
"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching therunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; and for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel, For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therin I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak. "
I feel as though I have recently re-donned the armour of God and I am again ready to take my place in the battle against the adversary. I was wounded and had to take a leave, but I am back and ready to stand.
I attended church today here in Ukraine and something that was said in one of the talks really stood out to me. The kind sister said "you cant be a strength to others, you cant help others until after you've helped yourself and gained your strength." Or you know, something to that affect. It reallllly got my wheels turning. Ive been working on becoming a better me. However I have always imagined myself as the kind of person who helps people, who loves people and who lifts others up and carries them. However as I've thought about it, I dont feel as though I have been that person the past few months. I feel as though I have been the one who has been carried and I am ever so grateful for it. However I want to start strengthening myself again, get myself back to being that person who can support the weight of others and help them because I realized I was always at my happiest when I was in the service of others.
I post this long and rather personal post because I feel like there must be someone else out there in my same boat and I want them to know they are not alone. Not by a long shot. There are a whole host of us mid-lifers who are a little confused and unsure whats happening. However I refuse to let that interfere anymore. I am a strong and loving person. I believe in myself. I have aspirations to get married, have kids and build a beautiful life. I want to become a Marine Biologist and work with fish. Yep fish. I dont know why but I love the darned things. I love photography and I want to hone the skill of that hobby. I want to study Russian and become fluent. There is a whole world out there full of loving people who are eager to help one another on this winding path called life, we just need to be confident enough to reach out and most importantly, hold on. I want you to know that I've walked the twisty-turny part of the path and I feel like im nearing the end and let me tell you, there reallllllly is light at the end of the confusing darkness. Life is so beautiful and happy and good- we just need to make the decisions that lead us in that direction.
Now I realize this has gotten quite away from being in Ukraine however I feel that this is pertinent to my experience here. I have so very much loved my time in Ukraine and I hope that if any of you ever have the amazing experience of coming, that you will. The country has something amazing to offer- you just have to be on the look for it. I'll do a post specifically for all my travel adventures.
Slava Ukraina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
